Friday, July 24, 2009

Bike Shopping

I am looking for a new bike. More specifically, and more likely, probably just a new frame.

Let's assume my old bike was damaged by an IED or sabotaged by some other evil wanna-be. I mean just for the sake of argument, lets assume that, even though it didn't really happen that way.

First of all, let me say the Evil Cyclist doesn't give a rat's puckered sphincter about a few extra grams here and there. I don't race. I want a bike that makes me grin and whistle a devilish little tune on my commute to my evil lair, not that makes me the envy of all the snobbish "Gram Nazi's".

So, in theory I should buy a Hummer of a bike, with a Hafnium frame, filled with heavy water. Of all the heavy elements, why Hafnium, and why not Osmium? Well, Osmium sounds "a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll", if you get my drift ( If not, you are a dolt, and for God's sake, click the link and get a clue). More importantly, a little thing called "Induced Gamma Emission". So, if some driver actually clips me with their pathetic Prius, they may be in for quite a shock.

Since I don't want to run afoul of certain international agencies, Hafnium and heavy water may be out of the question. By international agencies, I don't mean the UN. Note how terrified North Korea and Iran are of those guys. I mean Mossad of course, and the IRS. Do NOT cross those guys.

So, the frame will probably be more mundane steel or carbon, and I have to console myself with the thought that those materials can create a nasty cut when broken or sharpened.

I will also be using many of my existing components, so I am really just looking for a frame ( but would not pass up a nice complete bike). I will write an epic poem about my love for my Brooks saddle at some point, but let it suffice to say that all my current components are battle tested and each one truly deserves to be on the next Evil Machine.

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Thank you for your comments, you simpering fool. Now, await your destiny. Or have a cocktail, something fruity, maybe with one of those little umbrellas.