Friday, July 24, 2009

Bike Racks, Commuters and Loosers

So, you drive to work.

Okay, that's fine. Despite Al Gore, many of us find that as the only practical option. And it beats the crap out of the train/bus/other public transportation.

But, I have to laugh ( an evil snicker, truth be told) at those of you who bring your bikes to work on bike racks. During my morning commute today, I counted at least 18 cars in rush hour traffic that had road bikes strapped to the car.

I could take a tangent and poke fun at the mountain bikers with a jab about how you have to drive your car anytime you need to ride your bike, but that's too easy. That's all the time, and not just commuting. So, I need to stay focused.

So, mainly aimed at those of you with road bikes strapped to your car for the drive to work, what is your master plan? Going to go for a quick jaunt during lunch? Really? Here's an idea: RIDE YOUR BIKE TO WORK! Would you strap your motorcycle or moped to your roof so you could buzz around and lunch? People other than me would snicker.

Let say you are not a foaming at the mouth enviro-nazi. (So far, so good) Even assuming that Al Gore is a dolt ( not a huge leap, really. Maybe even settled law), the wisdom of not wasting a non-renewable resource, or, even more importantly ( to the Evil Cyclist at least) not sending our money to theocratic despots or dictators in the Middle East sounds like a good idea. I'm not about "saving the world "( unless I am "elected" leader...) but common sense says that wastefulness and propping up horrid despots is bad, umkay? If you need to support a despot, may I suggest somebody closer to home..the Evil Cyclist!

I understand that a few more of us riding bikes to work is not going to make any measurable difference, and won't topple any theocracies any time soon, but at least it takes some hypocrisy out of the equation. This is important because I see hypocrisy like I see oil, as a finite asset, and I really need to save my hypocrisy for something important, like explaining to my kids that pre-marital sex is a bad idea.

So, stop making crappy excuses, I see those for what they are, um, crappy excuses, and ride your bike to work. Or quit your job and acknowledge the inner you, a worthless parasite on society. That way, I won't need to unleash "Plan B". No, not thisPlan B, the Plan B that involves peanut butter, duct tape, a Sesame Street DVD, a microwave oven and your bike rack. THAT Plan B.

-Evil C.

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Thank you for your comments, you simpering fool. Now, await your destiny. Or have a cocktail, something fruity, maybe with one of those little umbrellas.