Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday Funday

Nothing great to report today. Added 1 to the this weeks Roadkill count, bringing it up to 3 so far.

Instead of cycling during lunch, I accompanied some of my henchmen and cohorts to "Hooville" to eat some wings and oogle some ladies. Really quite nice. Our waitress was Monica, and I could tell right away she was eying me up as a possible father to her yet unborn children. As if the world needed more of me; it would be better to have ten more lawyers! So, I had to give her the unspoken "no" in order to keep her focused on keeping our glasses full of barley juice. I could tell from the look on her face that another fair maiden's hopes had been dashed. Such is the carnage I leave behind. Or maybe she just had gas. I really can't read people too well.

Now I am in the post lunch daze, doing little other than thinking up obnoxious replies to use when my alumni association begs for money. I hate them. I really do.

-Evil C.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lance Armstrong

Soda came out the old evil schnozz when I read this from the geniuses at "The Onion":

It begins:
PARIS—Cancer survivor Lance Armstrong's inspirational third-place Tour de France finish has motivated thousands of patients battling cancer to eventually finish third to their life-threatening disease......

Read it. Laugh. I command you!

-Evil C.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The New Evil Ride

Last Weeks Miles: 115
Last Weeks Road Kill: 2

After my unsettling encounter with the Zombie Deer, I decided to keep track of the roadkill I see each week, in the interest of evil science. This number will only reflect larger creatures, with the cutoff being cats, raccoons, possums and larger. Squirrels,rabbits, snakes, turtles, frogs and smaller birds will not be counted. Large birds like vultures, etc will make the list. BTW, the Zombie Deer was gone by the afternoon. Taken to be the main course on some hillbilly Mayberry transplants dinner table? Spawning more Zombie Deer in the surrounding woods via its wretched infected bite? Only time will tell.

I am also going to post my weekly mileage. We can figure out a roadkill per mile statistic that may be useful to future generations, and those who eat roadkill. ( )

I mentioned a while back that I was buying a new frame as my road bike. My old frame developed a crack that even Mighty Putty could not repair, finally succumbing to the horrifying stress of carrying me and my swollen head around for thousands of miles. Many of you have been anxiously awaiting details and pictures. Well the bike is on the road and I have about a week on it. I will post pictures, details and impressions soon, I promise. You know my word is my bond....

However, for now, rest assured that my bike rocks, and is far superior to yours, and is not one of the latest pieces of overpriced trash. You just have to wait for the rest.

-Evil C.

Monday, July 27, 2009


It takes a lot to unnerve the Evil Cyclist. Without tooting my horn more that it deserves ( which is still a fair amount), I've seen it all.

So, the Friday commute to Evil Labs was fairly typical. Nice weather, just getting warmed up and in a bit of a self absorbed zone. I was riding the shoulder and I noticed up ahead a deer which had clearly been hit laying across most of the shoulder and a bit into the roadway. It was obviously fresh, and not as gory as these types of things often are. Also, not all that rare. I see deer along the road regularly, and as a cyclist, I notice it more than drivers, especially after it has time to ferment a bit.

So, to set the scene, deer head is laying facing to the right of the shoulder with about 1 foot to pass between the head and the grass at the right side of the shoulder, rear is somewhat out in the traffic lane to the left. Tongue hanging out of the mouth in a typical pose, but again, not too much blood or gore, and none of the signs that the carnage was anything but fairly new. No flies, no smell, no additional tire marks or impact trails.

I'm staring at the body as I ride by, again, very close, and the deer lifts up its head to look at me, tongue still lolling out. Whoaaaa! My skin immediately crawled right off my body. It was the most macabre thing I have ever seen in real life and I very nearly drove off the road. I starting seeing stars and realized it was because, although the physical effort of my cycling had continued on autopilot, I had stopped breathing for a few seconds.

The deer was clearly not dead, and therefore clearly quite miserable and suffering. You may have noticed the empathy is not my strong suite. I've done my share of hunting and seen plenty of dead animals. However suffering, dying animals are somewhat different. That bothers me.

As troubling was the fact that there was little I could do. An injured animal, especially one as big as a deer, is not to be trifled with. Really, the only solution was to put it out of its misery, a task for which, at the time, I was ill equipped. I did not even have a number for animal control, which I would presume, are better equipped. Its also possible that in the next few minutes, another car or truck finished the job. However, I am a bit haunted by the fact that the animal continued to suffer as I rode away. Still haunted several days later.

-Evil C.

Switched Hosting


Those of you with above room temperature IQ's may have noticed I switched hosting providers from GoDaddy to Google. More features at a lower cost. Now I can spend that money on more schemes. Wahoo!

-Evil C.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Bruce Rosar Memorial Ride

I rode in the North Carolina Bicycle Club Summer Rally on Sunday, July 19th. They made it into a memorial for Bruce Rosar. I had no previous contact with NCBC, but they did a good job. It was well organized and well staffed.

In honor of Bruce:

1. I obeyed every rule of the road on the way to the Evil Lab today. Stopped at every stop sign and red light, used proper hand signals, (while refraining from the less proper ones) and didn't shout a single obscenity. All very atypical.
2. I think everybody should strive to reach out and touch more people. This will make a lasting mark on the world around you. Bruce seemed to do it by getting deeply involved in the things he loved and using his enthusiasm to spread his passion to others.

You could also make a mark with your fellow citizens the Evil Cyclist way, which is to circle around after everybody has ridden off, and let the air out of all their car tires. Watch for cameras and make sure to let some air out of you own tires too, in order to cast aside suspicion. Almost everybody at one of these events will have a hand pump, but it takes forever to pump up a car or SUV tire with a hand pump. Bonus points for getting the news truck tires.... BTW, this is almost certainly a crime and will get you pummeled/arrested if caught. Don't whine to me from your cell/hospital bed.

-Evil C.

Ode to my Brooks Saddle, Shakespeare Style

Those of you who have a Brooks saddle understand. Those of you who do not, cannot.

This will be an ongoing, if intermittent, series in praise of the most personal of all bike components.

Shall I compare thee to a comfy chair?
Thou hast more leather and more shiny rivets:
Rough roads foil not darling rails of steel,
And cyclings roads hath all too many a bump:
Sometime too hot the eye of my fair bum shines,
And often is its brown complexion dimm'd;
But every hill from peak sometime declines,
Forsooth, in truth the Selle saddle does sucketh much;
But Brooks eternal comfort shall not fade,
Nor cause the sores that do others plague;
Nor shall the berries whither in your care,
Tis 'neath the taint thy tender cradle;
So long as rider can breathe and pee,
So long live Brooks, and and only Brooks, under me.

Ode to My Brooks Saddle, A.A. Milne Style

Brooks, Brooks, B-17, the only saddle for me,
takes great care of my bottom, as well as from where I pee.
Brooks, Brooks, cradles my arse, and gives me nothing but glee.
I just never ride down past the end of the town,
if I don't ride down on thee.

Brooks, Brooks, B-17, the finest saddle around
Brooks, Brooks, B-17, for rides past the end of town.
If you want to cradle your junk including your trunk
You'll find that this saddles astounds.

John Boultbee Brooks of Birmingham burg
should clearly be listed a saint,
as he made a device so kind to your hind that riders sing praise to their 'taint

So when you go riding for hours on end and others are grumpy and sore,
take heart my good friends, and much sympathy lend
but know that YOUR comfort comes firstmost and fore.

-Evil C.

Bike Racks, Commuters and Loosers

So, you drive to work.

Okay, that's fine. Despite Al Gore, many of us find that as the only practical option. And it beats the crap out of the train/bus/other public transportation.

But, I have to laugh ( an evil snicker, truth be told) at those of you who bring your bikes to work on bike racks. During my morning commute today, I counted at least 18 cars in rush hour traffic that had road bikes strapped to the car.

I could take a tangent and poke fun at the mountain bikers with a jab about how you have to drive your car anytime you need to ride your bike, but that's too easy. That's all the time, and not just commuting. So, I need to stay focused.

So, mainly aimed at those of you with road bikes strapped to your car for the drive to work, what is your master plan? Going to go for a quick jaunt during lunch? Really? Here's an idea: RIDE YOUR BIKE TO WORK! Would you strap your motorcycle or moped to your roof so you could buzz around and lunch? People other than me would snicker.

Let say you are not a foaming at the mouth enviro-nazi. (So far, so good) Even assuming that Al Gore is a dolt ( not a huge leap, really. Maybe even settled law), the wisdom of not wasting a non-renewable resource, or, even more importantly ( to the Evil Cyclist at least) not sending our money to theocratic despots or dictators in the Middle East sounds like a good idea. I'm not about "saving the world "( unless I am "elected" leader...) but common sense says that wastefulness and propping up horrid despots is bad, umkay? If you need to support a despot, may I suggest somebody closer to home..the Evil Cyclist!

I understand that a few more of us riding bikes to work is not going to make any measurable difference, and won't topple any theocracies any time soon, but at least it takes some hypocrisy out of the equation. This is important because I see hypocrisy like I see oil, as a finite asset, and I really need to save my hypocrisy for something important, like explaining to my kids that pre-marital sex is a bad idea.

So, stop making crappy excuses, I see those for what they are, um, crappy excuses, and ride your bike to work. Or quit your job and acknowledge the inner you, a worthless parasite on society. That way, I won't need to unleash "Plan B". No, not thisPlan B, the Plan B that involves peanut butter, duct tape, a Sesame Street DVD, a microwave oven and your bike rack. THAT Plan B.

-Evil C.

Bruce Rosar

I'm taking off the "evil cape and mask" for a moment.

The cycling community lost a fantastic member, spokesman and champion over the weekend, Bruce Rosar.

He was a better cyclist and better person than most of us, me included, could ever hope to be.

He died while cycling, with the current official story being that he made a left turn in front of oncoming traffic. If this is true, it is at best ironic. But I am going on record as saying I am suspicious and not convinced. It was a clear intersection with good visibility. Even an inexperienced cyclist doesn't make a left in front of traffic ( unlike cars, who often make left turns in front of approaching cyclists). Bruce was experienced and was a safety fanatic. Its just NOT the kind of mistake he would make.

Of course it is possible that he was fatigued, distracted or maybe the sun was in his eyes and did he not see the car. It's also possible and just as likely he was zapped by space aliens, which is to say damn unlikely. I'm going with Occam's Razor and say that is was almost certainly the motorist fault. I hope that more witnesses come forward to either repute or corroborate the current version. Either way, Bruce deserves to have the truth come out.

Let me be clear: Unlike many cyclists, I am not anti-car. I am not a cycling crusader who sees all cars as the enemy. I love my car. I love driving my car, and, I even share and understand many driver's frustrations with some cyclists on the road. I am certain that Bruce also enjoyed cars. He drove a gorgeous red Porsche that the liked a great deal. I also suspect he would be disappointed in some of the news coverage on this event that depicts the event as a bicycle safety issue. The coverage is clearly wrongheaded and an attempt by the local media and perhaps law enforcement to make the wrong point at the wrong time.

This event tends to shift your personal paradigm a bit. Like many riders who ride on the road, intellectually I understand the danger. However, on an emotional level, in order to keep myself a bit sane, I frame my reality a bit differently. I tell myself it won't happen to me, that I am a safe rider, that I stay aware and safe all the time. I tell myself the people that get hit are those who wear dark colors and no light at night. The people who get injured are those who don't wear a helmet, or do idiot things in traffic. I assure myself that if I can just avoid the drunk or texting drivers, I'll be fine. Events like this expose those views as what they are, little white lies that give me the courage to get on my bike everyday.

-Evil C.

Its Early..

...and I am pondering the bike frame I just bought, but which has not been delivered.

No, not thinking about whether to up-armor it. Of course I will.

Actually I am wondering if I made the right choice. No, this isn't some namby pamby case of buyers remorse. That would require some inner measure of guilt, of which I was thankfully born without.

I had been pretty sure I was going to buy a single speed. I realize you are thinking right now that I just wanted to jump on the trendy single speed bandwagon. Not so. I just want simple, light and reliable for the commute from the evil lair to the evil lab.

But several realities came into play:
1. I don't just commute, I join group rides and I ride several centuries a year;
2. I already have very reliable components to build up the bike. Its not as if I had a reliability issues withe the previous machine;
3. I don't care so much about lightness, within reason ( Hafnium frames being the exception);
4. I don't really need a simple bike. By their nature, even complex bikes are fairly simple to work on, especially for the Evil Cyclist.
5. I dawned on me that people might think I was actually riding a fixie. I could not bear the shame.

You almost certainly thinking....Evil Cyclist joins group rides?
Content for a later entry: Top Ten Evil Things To Do While On a Group Ride

Third Hand TdF Coverage: Fat Cyclist

I just read the most useful thing that Fatty ( ever said. I'm not into racing and in general, and with Lance back, I find the TdF a yawn, but this made me smile ( picture the Grinch on the tip top of Mt. Crumpit):

"I propose that as bikes get lighter and lighter, cyclists should be allowed to mount small cannons on their handlebars, the weight of which would be included in the UCI bike weight."

-Evil C.

Bike Shopping

I am looking for a new bike. More specifically, and more likely, probably just a new frame.

Let's assume my old bike was damaged by an IED or sabotaged by some other evil wanna-be. I mean just for the sake of argument, lets assume that, even though it didn't really happen that way.

First of all, let me say the Evil Cyclist doesn't give a rat's puckered sphincter about a few extra grams here and there. I don't race. I want a bike that makes me grin and whistle a devilish little tune on my commute to my evil lair, not that makes me the envy of all the snobbish "Gram Nazi's".

So, in theory I should buy a Hummer of a bike, with a Hafnium frame, filled with heavy water. Of all the heavy elements, why Hafnium, and why not Osmium? Well, Osmium sounds "a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll", if you get my drift ( If not, you are a dolt, and for God's sake, click the link and get a clue). More importantly, a little thing called "Induced Gamma Emission". So, if some driver actually clips me with their pathetic Prius, they may be in for quite a shock.

Since I don't want to run afoul of certain international agencies, Hafnium and heavy water may be out of the question. By international agencies, I don't mean the UN. Note how terrified North Korea and Iran are of those guys. I mean Mossad of course, and the IRS. Do NOT cross those guys.

So, the frame will probably be more mundane steel or carbon, and I have to console myself with the thought that those materials can create a nasty cut when broken or sharpened.

I will also be using many of my existing components, so I am really just looking for a frame ( but would not pass up a nice complete bike). I will write an epic poem about my love for my Brooks saddle at some point, but let it suffice to say that all my current components are battle tested and each one truly deserves to be on the next Evil Machine.

Other Evilness

I really like this article:

Lance Armstrong

Yeah, he's a miracle of the modern world, yada, yada, yada.
He can be beaten.
Two Words:
Surreptitious Laxatives.

Seriously, even the Evil Cyclist can't despise Lance, but I can loathe all the journalists, cyclists, grandmothers etc. who are imagining how great it will be when he wins again. Come on, would it be more fun to see a kid from nowhere take him off his throne? Or how about, just once in the sports world, a graceful retirement without the slew of comebacks.

Or how about a juicy scandal with a bunch of barely legal hotties..and pictures.

Cannondale Wins The DMV Award

I've decided to create a new award ( fan fare please) and name it after one of the most evil institutions on the planet, the DMV ( Department of Motor Vehicles for my non-U.S. readers.)

The first recipient of this award goes to Cannondale, for shipping productions overseas. How deliciously evil..... Maybe if they hadn' t tried to build motorcycles a while back, they'd have enough money in the kitty to build efficient production facilities here and even better, would never have been bought out by Doral.

Instead, they put several hundred skilled employees out of work. I'm sure those bike builders will be able to find employment at another bike factory in the U.S....., er, um, never mind.

Lotsa blame to go around though, with the buck stopping at worthless politicians who create policy that makes Bozo look brilliant. You'll find a disdain of politicians a steady theme here at evilcyclist. Plenty to dislike there on both side of the aisle!

Its Saturday..

..and I am looking for something evil to do.
Next person who suggests "get sushi and not pay" will be vaporized. That's not evil, it's just stupid and oh so 1980's.

The "Main Minion" job is still open. All entries so far have been so lame that they don't merit mention. Not suprising really, judging from my target audience.

The Evil Cyclist

I don't know how you found me, but you did. Like a moth to a vaporizing high giga-watt plasma field, you came.

Clearly I have a security leak that must be eliminated. However, an Evil Cyclist, like an evil scientist ( note the change in capitalization, clearly indicating my superiority) must divulge his plans to any captives.

This site is about Evil, Cycling and Me. Simple enough that you can understand it, my little minion.

Minion? You don't remember agreeing to be my minion? Of course you did, nobody forced you to click on this site, so here you are, thus showing defacto desire to become my minion.

Read this:
I am Evil Cyclist's Minion, I swear devotion to him for all eternity.
I am Evil Cyclist's Minion, I swear devotion to him for all eternity.
I am Evil Cyclist's Minion, I swear devotion to him for all eternity.

There, it is now official. You are sworn to do my evil bidding. "But Evil Cyclist, I didn't read it out loud.." Sweet camel toes, is this kindergarten? Nobody reads out loud except in kindergarten. Stop sniveling and get on with your Evil Minion duties. There, I capitalized it. Does that make you feel better? Whiner.

What is your first duty as a Minion? Send me an ( ) telling me why you should be Head Minion, and what things you will do to all the Sub-Minions. I will post results as I see fit.

Also, I will change the hideous banner of the rising sun and the mountain biker as soon as get around to it. Mainly because it is just awful, but also because mountain bikers are pathetic. Okay, so are road bikers. I'm pretty sure unicyclists suck too. Can you say Misanthropy? I thought you could.